In Memoriam

This interview from the Colbert Report last Monday reminds me of a story. Don McLeroy is the feature of a documentary about revisionism of American History.

In honor of the new blood flowing through this story, I would like to re-post the below actual letter I mailed in March 2010 to all of the members of the Texas School Board that had changed its posture on much of American history, including the prominence of Thomas Jefferson.

______________________________________

America’s Only History book. Period. Shut up. MacMillan Books, Lubbock, Texas.  (c) 2013

Back before the Civil War, there was a war with Mexico.  They had a huge army backed by the imperialistic might of the Spanish empire.  It all started when Mexico invaded the city of El Alamo.  Luckily, Davy Crockett, Daniel Boon, Sam Houston, Ronald Reagan and Jesus were there to kill the Mexicans.  They were driven across the Rio Grande, and the war was over.  Crockett, Boon and Houston built a wall between the border of the United States and Mexico and Jesus teleported to Mexico City, which he burned to the ground.  Shortly after, an evil army of liberals led by Barack Mohammed Hussein bin-Obama tore the wall down and invited all 100 million Mexicans to steal the 2008 election for him.  They also stole everyone’s jobs.

This is the true story of America that the government doesn’t want you to know about.

The American Revolution

One Thursday afternoon before July 4, 1776 a bunch of guys in Boston threw a bunch of British tea into the water because they didn’t want to pay taxes.  They also refused to drink coffee, which is why this was such a big deal.  Everyone in Texas at this time was drinking coffee, so they didn’t have this problem.  Until recently, everyone was really confused why tea was such a big deal. Historians still don’t quite understand why Bostonians were so pissed about tea.  The leading theory is that they were very drunk after a St. Patrick’s Day parade and needed to destroy something.  Others postulate that legal gay marriage in the Massachusetts Colony caused God to infect the citizen’s brains with a parasitic worm.  However, all historians agree that if Bostonians had just drank coffee, war could have been avoided.

The British got really mad that all that tea got wasted.  So they sent a lot of Red Coats to live with Bostonians and keep them out of trouble. Remember that from John Adams on HBO? Man, that shit was intense.  There was that intense music and slow motion of women getting rifle-butted by Red Coats.  Didn’t happen.  But now it did cause it’s in this textbook! Hah! Suck it.

Thomas Jefferson, who was living with all the Founding Fathers in Boston somewhere, was really pissed cause this cut deeply into his slave sex time.  Ashamed to sleep with his slaves in front of strangers, Jefferson was forced to have sex with his actual wife.  This pissed him off terribly. He fled Boston to Virginia where he stayed until he died, having done absolutely nothing of importance for the rest of American History.  For some reason he was elected Second President of the United States and for this he was put on the $2 bill.  Everyone knows if Texas was allowed to vote for the Second President of the United States, it definitely would not have been Jefferson.  Everyone thought Jefferson sucked, so the U.S. Treasury stopped producing $2 bills.

Anyways, so while writing the U.S. Declaration of Independence and Constitution, Jesus was also farming a lot of cattle.  He was the best cattle-wrangler in all of Lubbock, which he occasionally would teleport to.  You know what, no. He was in both places at once.  He was in Philly writing the Declaration of U.S.A. Patriotism Constitution and roping cattle at the same time.  Anyone who says different is an atheist and doesn’t get to vote.  There, that’s settled.  Even blacks, with 3/5 of a human vote will have more votes than atheists because we beat and raped the tribal African religions out of them. It’s called civilization.  Deal with it.

So where was I?

The United States of America and the Independent Country of Texas totally kicked British ass for, like, 5 years or something like that. The French, who like all civilized people really hate the English, wanted to join the war.  America was initially hesitant about being helped by a communist country, but decided that any enemy of my enemy is my… wait.  No… what is it? You fool me twice, shame on you… You can’t fool me is what I’m getting at here. I guess…

So the French sent over their most fearsome baguette bakers and Panini pressers.  Sadly, they were all annihilated by a vengeful army of frogs at the Battle of New Orleans.  Having lost their Middle Class, France’s political structure crumbled.  But, they saw how awesome America was at kicking ass and decided to have a revolution to try and be like the United States.  This was never successful because France is full of fags.

England totally lost.  They were injured.  Real injured.  Since Jesus was totally pissed that England attacked the United States in the first place, he infected all the English with poor dental hygiene and syphilis.  This is, of course, until Margaret Thatcher started hanging faggots in Trafalgar Square – it’s like their Times Square – which pleased Jesus, who then told Ronald Reagan that it was OK to forgive them.

Now that America won, they could write their Bill of Rights.  Jesus told George Washington and John Adams that only Christians (preferably white Protestants – Yeah! I’m talking to you Kennedy!) could be President.  This is why when Barack Hitler Mohammed Hussein bin-Laden Obama stole the election in 2008, Jesus forsook the United States and caused the economy to collapse until the Republican party could win it back from the evil Muslim Kenyan/Hawaiian/Indonesian.

George Washington and John Adams liked to hunt.  A lot.  Let me put it this way.  Have you ever been inside a Longhorn Steakhouse? Or I mean, pretty much any steakhouse.  Yeah, that’s what their house looked like.  Here’s an anecdote (it means a short personal story) about it: One day, feeling particularly patriotic, John Adams walked outside his front door and grabbed a mountain lion by the throat and nailed it to a frame on his wall while it tried to claw his face off.  He then took a shit comprised mainly of nails and razor wire.

Jesus also told the Founding Fathers that they had to accomplish a couple of things in securing basic liberties for the people of this new country.

1. No queers.

2. Only white men can vote.

3. You can say whatever you want unless it offends Christians.

4. The official religion of the United States is Christianity (again, preferably Protestants – Do I      have to come over there Kennedy? I swear.)

5. If you don’t have a gun, you can’t vote.

6) Taxes are really bad unless they are spent in your state.  Only your representative does a       good job, it’s other people who are electing assholes.

7. Public Education is a sin.  Reading this textbook right now is a sin.  Close your eyes.  Stop it!     Oh man, you are totally going to hell right now.  You better feel real guilty about reading this.

8. The States are basically their own countries.  The government in Washington is really only       legitimate when controlled by whichever political party you like.

9. It’s a moral imperative to kick the shit out of whichever country looks at you wrong.  Especially if they have a lot of brown people and no standing army.

Having established a country for his future resurrection place (or whatever the hell it is that Mormon’s believe), Jesus was free to rest. He ventured to a cave somewhere mysterious – who’re we kidding, it was in Texas – and slumbered until the day when humanity would need him again.  The Founding Fathers finished the Constitution, which is totally specific about everything and needn’t be interpreted by anyone!  Then, they too, joined Jesus in a cave – isn’t the Whispering Caves in Texas? Whatever. it is now.  This is a textbook.  You’re fucked if you think those caves are in New Mexico or something.  This textbook says the Whispering Caves are in Texas. Students are totally citing this shit in their research papers.  Ha! Just kidding!  People in Texas don’t write.  Or read.

Get over yourselves.

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