The Bullet We Dodged

Donald Trump is a parody of a satire. In some cyclic cosmic way, Trump is satire. In RollingStone’s feature interview with The Donald, The Hair, the host of Celebrity Apprentice and initiator of abortive presential bids, we get a glimpse at the man within, a horrifying real life presentation of Christian Bale’s character in American Psycho.

I don’t need to do much more than to drop a few quotes from the article.

Where does he stand on gun control?

“I’m against gun control for the reason, it doesn’t affect the bad guys, because they’re going to have guns. What kind of gun do I have? I’d rather not say. I have a gun. It’s a handgun, OK?”

Is it Trump-sized?

“It’s a gun. I have a gun. It’s a handgun.” Silence.

“I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my life,” he goes on. “I’ve never had a drink, never had a joint, never had any drugs, never even had a cup of coffee. So, those are some good things about me. I probably have some bad things about me, too.” He pauses, as if waiting for some bad things to materialize out of thin air, but when a miracle occurs and they don’t, he starts up again. “I will say, though, that I like a little caffeine. People assume I’m a boiler ready to explode, but I actually have very low blood pressure, which is shocking to people. I’ll drink water. Sometimes tomato juice, which I like. Sometimes orange juice, which I like. I’ll drink different things. But the Coke or Pepsi boosts you up a little.”

How does the Donald deal with dissent and betrayal?

He died. He’s dead mentally. In other words, for me, they don’t exist. I hold a grudge. I have the longest memory. I always kick back. I believe in that.”

This staccato biting of words, chopping of sentences: it sounds insane. It feels strong and confident. But, do we really need ANOTHER leader who comes down confidently on issues like. “the Coke or Pepsi boosts you up a little” and “I always kick back. I believe in that.”

Thankfully, Trump took the hatchet to his own scalp and spared us the existential mess of having Patrick Bateman as president. And then, some years later, cleaning up after President Donald “Patrick Bateman” Trump had taken a fire axe to the face of the world while biting off hunks of flesh and all-the-while obsessing internally about business card fonts and anally raping women, all inside his head, as the rest of the country swooned over the confidence with which the Lord Donald drank his inoffensively nonpartisan “Coke or Pepsi”.

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