Terrible Writer Alert

What’s the pulsating cancer on the sphincter of the written world? Apparently, it’s a feature article on Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz written by Claire Cain Miller – whom I will now humiliate to my audience of, let’s say, a dozen.

I guess I’ll just vomit the sentences out in a line and let you move past them as quickly as you can.

Think back. To before the planet groaned with 17,000 Starbucks shops.

In short, to before Howard D. Schultz and his trenta-size ambition turned a few coffeehouses here into the vast corporate Empire of the Bean.

*gurgle* Uhnnn. Huhnn.

The world has often seemed three espressos behind Mr. Schultz — which is why the low-key guy sitting in his office here doesn’t quite seem like Howard Schultz.

*groan* Hu-uh. Hu-uh. Blaaarggghhhh.*

But during the depths of the recession, Starbucks nearly drowned in its caramel macchiato.

*panting* Oh God. Can’t breathe. Huuuaaggghhh!

Irony, thy name is Coffee. Look at the top right, people.

Also, there’s this gem that I’ve never heard before:

Starbucks — “Charbucks,” to those who complain that its heavily roasted coffee tastes burned — will never rekindle the old romance, these people say.

Indeed. Also, is it stretching for me to not like the uses of “re-energize” and “tired sales” in a story about coffee?

It was on such a morning in early 2008 that Mr. Schultz was convinced he had a product that would re-energize the company’s tired sales.

And one last complaint.

INSTANT coffee: the very words leave a bad taste in many people’s mouths.

Hu-uh. Hu-uh. Hu-uh. Yeearrrghhh.

_______________________________________

*Thanks Yahoo! Answers.

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