When the Asshole in Chief Speaks
March 9, 2011 Leave a comment
A note from the petulant author:
The following article is probably the most childish thing I’ve written in months. It needed to be done, though. There’s too much high-minded satire out there and Rick Scott’s the easiest target for it. Instead, I’m just going to mock him, and I’m sorry if you read this, because it’s not clever or smart. But, I’m so totally done with Rick Scott. He’s poured so much bullshit down our state’s throat in his first weeks in office that I’m already burned out. So let’s all try to enjoy me mocking Scott’s state-of-the-state* speech, shall we?
Every day since elected, I’ve gone job hunting for the people of Florida. In my business career I was never shy about picking up the phone and making a cold call to try to make something good happen. As governor, I’ve been making those calls each and every day to recruit job seekers — or, creators — and I will continue making those calls each and every day until every Floridian has the opportunity to get back to work.
By hanging up on high-speed rail*. Because the president is Black, everyone. In case you hadn’t noticed. A black guy tried to give our state a handout. I’d rather my daughter married a Jew than take a donation from a black.
Now about all the jobs and successful CEO’s I’m bringing to the state:
…we’re also joined tonight by David Meers, the chief operating officer of Vision Airlines, a company that helps put tourists onto Florida’s beaches. Vision recently began flying to 23 cities from Destin less than a year after the economic damage from the Deepwater Horizon oil spill…
Vision going there is expected to add about 4,600 jobs right there in that area of the state, so, I love it. It gets closer to the 700,000 jobs I committed.
I plan to create more jobs in Florida by expanding offshore drilling in state and international waters. For those of you keeping up, that means three miles off the coast and beyond. Think about it. It’s the perfect job stimulus. Step 1) Tourist Industry. Step 2) Ruin it with an oil spill. Step 3) …
And finally, Dean Minardi, CFO of Bing Energy, is here with us. Bing Energy, a California-based company, was courted by offers from several states, but Bing decided to come to Florida in December, and Tallahassee, which is nice.
The reason why Florida won? Dean said it was our plan to eliminate the corporate tax. Thank you very much.
Which is probably true. It’s also probably true that Bing came to Florida because they signed a contract with Florida State University for exclusivity rights to their breakthrough technology with carbon nanotubes, which, again if you’re keeping up, promise to revolutionize everything from t-shirts to tanks. Also, I’m pretty sure Bing makes parts for solar energy cells, but I decided not to mention that in my speech lest I look reasonably responsible about the environment, which would also make me gay. Like the last governor.
I ask everyone to look beyond the short-term and imagine with me what Florida will look like when we turn our state around. Florida will be the leading job creator over the next eight years.
No income tax, a phase out of the business tax, the expansion of the Panama Canal, the expansion of the economies of Central and South America, our great weather, our beaches, the Everglades, world-class theme parks, Florida oranges, our universities and colleges, the hardest working people in the world, we will become the most exciting place in the world to live, work and play.
What the fuck did I just say? Something about South America. Does Florida have plans to work on the Panama Canal? Sandanistas!
Also, I mentioned Ronald Reagan and God in the last 50 words of my speech. Just in case you forgot my politics. Watch, one more time: God Reagan. Ronald Jesus. There we go. That’s settled. Now you know my politics.
*Get it! Cause it’s a homophone. And that’s kinda gay.
*Which I never mention in the body of my speech. Ha! So fuck you!