A Heartrending Review

This, perhaps, falls outside the lines of decency and also definitely isn’t something I do.  But, I figure if I can mimic D.F.W.’s prose, just like the Penny Arcade people, I figure I can also spew some reviewing invective.

Final Fantasy XIV:

I wanted to play this game, so let’s air that out first.  I want this game to be good.  Is it not good? Is there a preponderance of badness?  Let’s find out together.

1) Downloading the game was the first clue.  The client sucks, but so did the Blizzard downloader way back when.  When it comes to Massive games, I tend to revert to WoW references and not the new WoW.  I played vanilla nigga.  I raided MC when MC was all there was.  Street cred, nigga.  Street. Cred.

However, whenever I have to “pirate” a legit game via torrents and MegaUpload, well, it starts to smell like fast food dumpsters in Florida’s summers.

Not terrible to accomplish, no more than a night of downloading. So, I’ll give it a pass.

2) I am old as shit.  The game ran windowed default.  I fucking downloaded a script to stretch it full screen before I realized, two days later, there’s a fucking config app that came with the install you can run before you run the game itself to adjust major graphical functions.  This one, I chalk to my own stupidity.  Batman: Arkham Asylum used that, Warhammer Online used it, it’s established shit, like gravity, or maybe something slightly less accepted like, evolution or something.

3) Character Creation.  So this is where I think the game shines and could potentially draw people in.  If those people are Japanese.  There’s a lot of non-facial hair options.  I assume that’s part of Japan’s national shame of non-participation, since like creation to opt out of the hormone testosterone.  Notable exemptions being present on Ninja Warrior. So, yeah.

This game is VERY Japanese.  I really haven’t ever thought that about Japanese things before.  But this game is about as Japanese as Sushi and tentacle porn.  Like, my character unfolded in front of me via the given options and all of a sudden I looked in the mirror and hallucinated school girl skirts, Hello Kitty and an overwhelmingly euphoric xenophobia.  So, yeah.  Very Japanese.  That doesn’t mean I didn’t like my character, even though her every glance shames me.  Perhaps the best analog is this.

4) Playing the game.  Unsurprisingly its a lot like a better FFXI, which is exactly what I asked for.  But, I haven’t actually played FFXIV yet, so much as I have puppetted an extra chromosomed (less chromosomed?) Avatar who was himself playing the game. I guess what I’m saying is theres a 5-10 second delay on every action, and hotkeys are apparently distinctly not Japanese, such that accessing the main menu, leveling up, etc. all involves clicking stuff. Like, with your cursor.

All in all, I won’t buy it for a few reasons.  These reasons are exclusive to my situation.  Civilization 5 is coming out like, at the same time, and I already pre-ordered it.  I don’t NEED FFXIV.  If I needed a game to play, well, Square Enix would have to make some promises.  Ditch the retard leveling cap.  And put servers in the United States so that maintenance isn’t during U.S.A. peak hours and my ping is under 290.  But, because of the aforementioned euphoric xenophobia experienced vicariously, I get the sense that no concessions will be made.  Something else VERY Japanese is a like it or leave it mentality.

If they make some concessions, I will absolutely buy this game.  The quest system shows promise if it continues throughout the game.  The geography is great and there’s plenty of game to play, it’s just, like, too far away. I haven’t even gotten to crafting and harvesting yet, nor do I even know if that’s an option. Like, it seems you can either be a combat character or a crafting mule, which is dumb.  Like, really dumb.  What’s word for really dumb?  I dunno, but your skull would have to cave in like a punctured soufflé to accurately symbolize how dumb it is (or would be).


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