Excuse Me, Publix

So, I wrote this to send to various managers and stuff after some review.  If anyone would care to help me edit this, I’d appreciate it.  Throw up comments here or wherever and I’ll adjust accordingly.



Dear Publix people

A brand new Publix opened up in my neighborhood after the previous one was torn down a couple of months ago.  Ya’ll sure do have some great specials for this one – heck, maybe it’s for all of them, but it feels like it’s just for me.  See what I did there? I used ya’ll to make you think that this writer in particular has universal appeal, especially in ignorant ol’ Florida.

It’s not me that thinks we’re ignorant.  That must mean you think it Publix people.  Never in my life, have I seen so much unripe fruit and vegetables.  What possesses your jurisdictional management to let this go unquestioned?  Do your supervisors supervise?  Who’s watching the watchmen here?  I have to tell you.  Here is my experience with Publix this summer:

One squishy eggplant, foul- tasting.  They’re supposed to be spongy on the inside, I’m assuming you know nothing about food, even though I guess you should.  They’re a summer vegetable, too.  Like, I’m sure you can get them fresh, is what I am saying.

Endless bad peaches, nectarines, plums, apricots, etc. etc for all pitted fruits.  I’m not kidding.  Ya’ll had a special on apricots not too long ago and I entertained the idea.  Completely inedible.  They suffered from the same problem as all your other pitted fruits.  They are supposed to be fragrant. Instead, your pitted fruits have a mealy texture and lack any distinct flavor.

See, humans evolved a sense of smell and taste to avoid what would poison us.  Bitter things tend to be bad for us, in nature that is, so we instinctively spit them out.  It’s kind of why babies only want to eat sweet foods, they’re the evolutionary avatar of this point.  Awww, who am I kidding, you don’t care about the science of this.  So let me ask this, then.  How many do you throw away?  Probably a lot, because rock hard, scentless peaches are about as appetizing to a southern gentlemen, like myself, as well, I guess that’s just about the most unappetizing thing there is to a southern gentlemen.

We grow them in Florida, and nearby Georgia you know, I only say this because I’m sure you don’t.  All your peaches are like your strawberries, which we also grow right next door in Plant City and across central Florida.  Yours come from California.  Listen, asshole, this infuriates me.  Peaches are gentle fruits.  They don’t like to be pushed around and I know just as well as you that good peaches are soft and fragrant.  Problem is, they don’t ship well, because they bruise and rot.  So you pick’em hard in California so they’re easier to ship.  It could be anything similarly devious, but the end-result is just as blasphemous as your winter tomatoes, which is very.

I’m not asking you to force your dim-witted consumers to accept a seasonal appetite like their infinitely more patriotic ancestors.  “How dare I call American’s dim-witted.”  Well, sir or madam, how can I be blamed, this is America, we are Capitalists (kind of).  They MUST be buying it, or you wouldn’t be doing it.  And if something (namely, flavorless and ill-textured produce) is only bought by fools, then surely they are fools for buying it.  So, I don’t care if you stop selling peaches when nearby Georgia runs out.

I mean, shoot, I don’t even buy produce at Publix anymore.  I exclusively shop for produce at Sweetbay – yes, I know: hisssss! – because I find that all other variables aside, their produce tastes better, that isn’t even the right word.  Something more than zero is always MORE.  So, how about, their peaches just taste like peaches.  When stating the obvious like that is revolutionary, well, I tend to think we’re all doomed.

Exclusively yours in the purchase of everything but produce and yogurt*,

Thomas King

Tampa, FL

*P.S.  I don’t quite get this, either.  Sweetbay sells Chobani (greek yogurt) for $0.99 a cup and you sell it for $1.39 I believe.  Never gonna sink me with that ratio, Publix.  And don’t tell me that Dannon has a Greek version now.  Those other brands use carrageen and nonsense wizardry to make regular old yogurt into something thicker.  I just want yogurt, which is cultured milk, fruit or flavor or plain, and maybe sugar.  That makes my options Organic or Chobani.  Get on that!

P.S.S.  So I was recently in Texas.  I spent a week in Ft. Worth and Austin.  They have a chain called HEB.  At this HEB they sell HEB brand sodas.  I think Publix does this, but your branded stuff is terrible, except, like, your Publix premium bagels and breads, those are actually exceptionally good.  So when I went  I noticed HEB brand sodas with cane sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup.  Like Pepsi-brand “throwback” stuff, they had their version of Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew and regular cola. I’m assuming your familiar with this phenomenon, it was at fever pitch during the Super Bowl this year. Guess what? Totally sold out at the HEB except for a single 12-pack of their Dr Pepper variety.  A totally derelict shelf of pure profit.  And it could be yours if only you had the spirit to revolutionize a bit.  I mean, when Texas – a staunchly conservative bastion of backwardness – has anyone beat, it’s cause for worry.


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